I was working on my therapy today, really dealing with certain things. Not conquering, not overcoming, not being stronger than, but really dealing with them. I came across this poem in my notes. I had it saved and placed in the “upon my death” instructions for Jason to read after I died. Not in any formal way, just to himself. It’s a common enough, well known poem, but I like it. More importantly I knew he’d know why I like it, and it would mean something. In a lot of ways it reflects things that I came to think or believe through a mental and emotional intimacy with him. It reflects a lot of how I came to view life and death in our short time together. I want to leave it here now, to keep.

I think maybe I need to reframe my mindset. I have not experienced anything like what I’m going through before. Some days I want to scream at everyone “Do you KNOW how BAD this really is?!”, knowing full well they can’t and it’s not their fault. It’s like being trapped, alone in a space where all you can do is hear your incessant thoughts. So you work with them. “Be more positive” turns to “no be logical, less emotional”, back to “just try harder, you’re stronger than this”. The fact is though, I can overcome a lot of things, I have overcome experiences most people will never have in their lifetime, but I just can’t seem to try hard enough with this. I can understand at this point why people in isolation go crazy, because even in an isolation that provides comforts, the result is the same. It creates an emotional bog you can’t climb out of, feelings, thoughts, noise all the damn time. I feel crazy because of it.

So, how to reframe? I need to let go of the impotent frustration that no one can understand me or what I’m feeling. They can’t, period, it’s not their fault. The depth, the isolation, the recovery, the setbacks, the length it’s gone on, isn’t a daily crisis or torture for anyone but me and it shouldn’t be. It has consumed me and that’s my only reality.

I need to let go of that everything is going to be okay, find a middle ground of that it’s not okay right now and I can’t change that.

I NEED to stop with the constant self censure that I’m not who I was, I’m not dealing with it as well as I used to, that I need to be better than whatever I am in this moment. I don’t even know what the barometer is and I’m sure I’m not reaching it. I need to stop going back and forth daily with “I’m the strongest, I’m the most logical” to “I’m emotional and crazy”.

I’d like to be one person, with a middle ground. Maybe. If I can.

I was very confident at the start of my relationship that I could easily not be *that girl*. That girl that’s jealous, somewhat restricting, insecure about things that happen. One that takes things away or maybe puts someone in a position where it’s easier to *just not*. At the beginning it was very easy, I applied my usual logic to everything and it was fine. Logic overcame insecurity, I could make things make sense. I’m not saying I’m *that girl*, I don’t do most of that. However moving farther into love makes that logic vs emotion boundary much more difficult.

Quite frankly I do think it’s the one and only thing that I really dislike about being in a relationship. When I feel jealousy, or have intrusive irrational thoughts, I feel shame and anger towards myself. It’s an automatic response. It’s something I so badly do not want to be, a road I never wanted to go down. It’s happened multiple times and in retrospect I feel honestly ridiculous, every time. To the point where some days (today) it comes back to the forefront of my mind and I spend time genuinely thinking about how I could and would go back and change my reactions, my responses, the words I chose. I don’t think this aspect of relationship-ing will ever sit right with me, but I understand it’s not a part I can avoid.

Jason’s Hikes I Go On Through Photos Until I Can Hike Again

I Especially Loved: It was intentionally a moon hike and I was excited about that.

Favorite Picture: The sunset (I would have guessed the moon, and I did love that too). The warm colors of the sunset photos really appealed to me.